Here’s What I’ve Learned Now That I’m 33
I never imagined that I’d see life at 33. But here I am. Three years after attempting to take my own life and I’m still standing, still breathing, still living. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am. The road has been filled with loss, heartbreak, mental illness, and more change than I can sometimes wrap my head around. But through all of the difficulties, there has also been a world of growth. A world of love. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I’ve learned a lot since I entered the world at 8:18 A.M. on April 23, 1990. But there are years ahead I only hope I get to experience filled with every emotion under the sun, in every mundane moment, in every exciting high and heartwrenching low.
As a gift for myself, for those who may not have as many years under their belt as I do today, and for those who need a reminder, let me share with you a few things I wish someone would’ve told me…
Have conversations with yourself in the mirror. You can’t run away from yourself and you are the only one who knows your truest truth.
Sometimes it’s messy in your head and the inner dialogue is usually more vicious than your worst enemy. Just remember that your brain doesn’t have fists. It can’t hurt you. Say the kindest of words back to yourself. Keep saying them until you believe them.
Explore. Explore yourself, your heart, your desires, your passions, your hobbies, your faith, your views. Explore it all. The box you believe you need to live in doesn’t exist.
Curse sometimes. It doesn’t need to be your entire vocabulary but it sure as fuck feels good to let it out.
Trust your intuition. Listen to it deeply. Turn off the noise. True north is inside of you.
Don’t associate love with validation. The only validation you need is from yourself. And no amount of relationships will be able to do that for you.
You matter. You are worthy. You are capable. You are beautiful. You are unstoppable.
Eat breakfast food whenever you desire. Food is not your enemy. Numbers on scales or pant sizes on the rack are irrelevant. Using food as a comfort, reward, or tool to hold you captive won’t fix your problems. There is a lot in this world that is going to try and skew this for you. Build a healthy relationship with food early on. It’s delicious and life-giving. Don’t let the world taint food for you or your gorgeous, perfect body either.
Lock your doors when you travel. You’ll be very sad when you don’t and find that all the stories you’ve written about your travels are gone. Also, learn about the cloud and don’t be afraid to use it.
You will be wrong sometimes. You will do things that aren’t good. Own up to it. Apologize. Learn to do better.
Feel every feeling, especially the bad ones. Numbing yourself with vices will take years of precious gold away from you and you deserve to experience life at its fullest. It’s tempting, I know, to scratch the itch or hide from what hurts. But the hurt is just as important as the good.
When you’re feeling intimidated by someone, just remember that they poop, too.
If something doesn’t feel right, walk away. Do not stay because you’re afraid of disappointing others. You’re only disappointing yourself.
Listen to your mom with an open mind. One day you’ll realize she is not just a mother, but a human being doing the absolute best she can with the hand she’s been given, just like you. Listen to her.
Don’t suffocate yourself with the concept of a relationship or the desire to find love. It will happen when it happens and for now, the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Build that foundation. The rest will follow. You’ll never know what you actually want until you learn how to listen to yourself first.
Stand up for yourself even when it’s uncomfortable. The discomfort will teach you more about the person you want to become.
If you visit another country, take time to learn at least the basic phrases in their language. Don’t be arrogant.
If there is something you don’t like about yourself, you are the only one who can change it. It won’t be easy. Nothing in life worth going after is easy. You can do hard things.
Learn about money. Not in the sense of trying to gain more, but rather how to have a better relationship with it. It’s meant to provide you with food, water, and shelter. The rest is a bonus. Give what you can to those who need it more than you. If your bank account is running low, do not panic. Get creative (in college, I made money by buying Ikea furniture on my credit card, building it, and selling it at a higher price just so I could pay rent). You’ll find a way. There will be a plethora of other aches in life that need the space you’re giving to money.
Read books that fill your cup. And if it doesn’t, you don’t have to finish it. I repeat. You do not have to finish a damn book if you don’t want to.
Lean on more than just one person or your partner. Your friends are there for a reason and want to be there for you. And if you’re circle is small, find a support group. Groups are a gift.
When in doubt, turn to your higher power. Mine is God, it might not be someone else’s. So respect that.
Tell someone when you’re sad. You won’t want to, but it’s critical. There may be more to your sadness than just a bad day. Talk about your feelings even when it’s uncomfortable. It could save your life.
In your darkest moment when you believe life isn’t worth living, please know that YOUR LIFE is absolutely worth living. It’s not that you want your life to end, it’s that you don’t want the feelings you have to continue. What you’re experiencing will not last. Ask for help. This is not a sign of weakness, but rather a strength. It means you are a fighter who is yearning to survive. Life is finite. It has a definitive end. But today is not that day because you’re reading this. Keep going. Keep surviving. Eventually, you will thrive.
Be kind to everyone. You have no idea what they are going through.
Don’t dismiss therapy. It will give you tools you didn’t know you needed to make it through hard times and build a beautiful life. Keep a record of these tools in a place you can always refer back to because if you don’t use them, you will forget how powerful they can be.
Medication doesn’t mean you are broken. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means you are taking care of yourself. So take care of yourself, and find a good doctor that actually cares about you, too.
You deserve to be loved exactly as you are.
What you want in life will change. And that’s okay. You don’t need to continue being the same version of yourself throughout your entire life. You will evolve and believe me, you want to evolve.
Mundane can be a good thing. It’s called being content. Contentment is beautiful.
Keep stretching yourself. Don’t mistake contentment for complacency.
Let the world educate you. Have conversations with people who are not like you with an open mind and respect. What you experience in your tiny corner of the world is only one piece of a very large puzzle. Ask questions. Listen more. Talk less.
Keep packets of floss around your house everywhere so you never forget to floss.
Just because you’re changing doesn’t mean everyone else stays the same. Everyone you know will go on their own journey of growth and evolution. Embrace them as they become the people they want to become.
When you feel anxious, breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, then exhale for four counts. Continue doing this until the anxiety passes, however long it takes.
If there is a global pandemic, don’t pretend like it doesn’t exist. Take it seriously. Lives are at stake.
Always carry a pen and paper with you. Always.
You’re going to experience shame early on. Challenge the shame. The things in life that teach you to feel shame have no actual power over you unless you allow them to. And unfortunately, shame will continue to try and hold you captive throughout your entire life. Take back your power.
Don’t stop doing your art or creative passion. People will call you “cute.” Don’t listen to them.
People will always feel the need to share their unsolicited advice on how you should live your life. Don’t listen to them either.
Tell yourself one thing you’re proud of yourself for every day. Say it out loud.
One day, you will experience grief. Grief doesn’t have a timeframe. It’s something you learn to live with, that flows like water. One day it’s up in the clouds accumulating until it falls. It flows into a river which travels back into the ocean, only to be brought back up into the sky. It always exists, but you learn to live despite the ebbs and flows of where your grief might be that day.
Your disorders do not define you. They are a part of your human experience, but they do not make you who you are.
Not everything needs an explanation.
Don’t be embarrassed to take pictures and videos of yourself. We are gifted with the ability to capture moments throughout our lives and revisit them when we need and want to. That’s a good thing.
Triple-check how long you are allowed to stay in a country before you get there.
There will be a lot of talk about “expectations” and “shoulds” in your lifetime. Tread lightly and take with a grain of salt. People can project things onto you but you don’t have to accept them. And on that note, do your best not to project onto others. It isn’t fair.
When a person wearing a baker boy hat tells you a story, listen with the utmost intent. And take notes.
It’s okay for people to not like you. It’s okay for people to be upset with you. It’s okay to lose friendships. It’s okay to separate from loved ones. It’s okay to be in a confrontation. Sometimes the vision of your life that aligns with you doesn’t align with the people you surround yourself with. Sometimes you have to let things, people, or situations go. Sometimes you have to break apart your life in order to create the one you want. Live a life that serves you because no one else is living this life, in your body, except you.
Don’t underestimate the power of music. See it live. Wear headphones. Blast it through the house. Dance wildly until your body simply can not take another breath.
There will be families that look different from yours. They might look more put together with marriages that stay intact, family cookouts, and holidays spent together. They might live in the same town and be able to see their kids grow up to become the adult they’ve always wanted to be. Yours might not look that way, and that’s okay. You will create a family, whether chosen, blood, or both, that is right for you.
Growing up without a constant father figure will hurt you for a long time. And it’s okay to hurt. Understand that you will need to learn how to father yourself.
The world is incredibly divided. It will pull you to one side and tell you that’s where you need to stay. Ask questions and educate yourself.
Your job is not your life. When work is over, let it be over. Put it away until you are paid to return back to it. Your job is not your life.
You do not need to know what you want to do for a career at the age of eighteen, twenty-two, or thirty-two. You may want to try a multitude of different things. Try all the things. Take all the classes. Talk to all the people.
Find community. Over time, the friends you have will dwindle. Isolation is an easy trap. Don’t fall for it.
Vulnerability. Learn this word early on. Cradle it, understand it, hold it close, and allow others to experience it. That’s how you will find your people.
Marriage isn’t for everyone. But if it is for you, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Be with someone because they are the person you genuinely want to share every aspect of your life with, both good and bad (and I mean even the really bad stuff). Make sure they are good to you and your people. Make sure that both you and your partner are so pure, so intentional, and so unbelievably crystal clear about what you both want most in this world: to live, grow, and evolve the rest of their precious life with you and you with them.
Live slow. Take your foot off the gas. Put one foot in front of the other. That’s as far down the road as you need to look.
As tempting as it is to use your teeth as a tool, refrain. Use scissors.
Wear clothes that make you feel like yourself. Get rid of the ones that dictate how your body “should” be.
Dogs are better than humans. Adopt a damn dog.
Don’t forget to check in with your friends. It doesn’t have to be every day, but let them know even when life gets hectic that you’re still thinking about them. And don’t worry if it feels like it’s been too long. The good ones will understand.
Do things just because. Do them for no other reason than they bring you joy. Not everything in life needs to be for production.
When you’re scared, don’t run. Because once you start running it will feel impossible to stop. Bravery doesn’t have to look like slaying a dragon or fighting crime. Bravery can be standing still and facing your demons head-on. And you, my love, are brave.
When your parents tell you their issues are not your fault, believe them.
You don’t have to achieve the things social media tells you to achieve. Social media can’t hug you when you’re sad. It isn’t real.
If your body is aching for you to scream, then scream. If your body is crying for you to thrash around, then thrash. There are emotions in there that need to come out. And somewhere along the way you might stop allowing yourself to set them free. Trust your body.
It’s not your job to make everyone happy.
Look people in the eyes when you speak with them. There will be times you won’t want to but do it anyways. You’ll connect in a way you didn’t even know was possible.
Love yourself. Even in the moments when you feel you are most unloveable, love yourself. You used to be five. You used to be ten. You used to be sixteen. Those versions of yourself still exist inside of you. Love yourself like you’d love and care for that child.
I could go on for days. But I’ll end this list here. Besides, I can’t wait to come back to this list a year from now and see how much more I’ll have to add to it.
All this to say…
Happy Birthday To Me.
Love,
Lauren
Lauren Stone is the author of In Body I Trust and the creator of Your Wild Journal. She lives in South Carolina with her husband and their puppy, Miles. Learn more about her books by visiting the shop here.
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